in a desert wasteland, no one to be found. the shattered pieces of my heart are lying on the ground. i pick them up, lay them out, begin gluing them back together. yet try as i may, my heart refuses to return to its form before you found it.
it won't be constrained by the conventional shapes of those that surround it. the pieces stretch up, wind around, and seal themselves together. these broken parts of my trusting heart become the boards of a boat. the vessels that burst when you squeezed them tight, determined to have control, now grow and expand to become the vessel that will carry me away from you.
my eyes brim with tears that gush and flow on the cracked ground where i lay. i weep and pray and ask God why. i scream and mourn until a river is born that lifts my boat off the ground. i climb aboard as i cry the river that will carry me away from you.
my head is spinning, confused and disoriented, unsure of what is true. who am i? what is a lie? and who the hell are you? my guttural cries bellow forth and fill a billowing sail. my heaving breath is the wind that propels me on and will carry me away from you.
sinking into the hull, i continue to mourn. i weep and pray and plead for help; scared and alone, and oh, so tired. i fall fast asleep but you invade my dreams, continue to play your games. the lies, the shadows, the shifting truth, the heavy cloak of shame. what's real? what's true? do you know what you do? am i going insane?
i'm sailing now further from you and yet your words pursue. as i reach the open waters, a fresh breeze propels me on. the years and moments that were sliced by your rejection still pierce my aching mind. i fight to learn and understand. what is wrong with me? why can't i perceive what others clearly see? how are so many still duped? why am i still lured by your siren song? time after time i drift towards the shallows.
at the last moment, i grasp the tiller to veer my vessel from crashing into the rocks. i move my hand left; the boat moves right. up is down and dark is light. i know this drill so well. but somehow, this time, this knowledge makes me adept at protecting myself from sea perils. the games you play have made me wise. they've given me the wisdom i needed to sail away from you.
my journey's being written. i'm in the middle of my voyage. i have yet to reach safe, dry land. i don't know how long it will take, but i will get there. and when i do, i'll no longer be thinking of you.
my mind will be free and my heart will be whole and all of your lies that have festered in my soul will have been removed and cast away. until that day, i'm telling you this. with every facade, squeeze and verbal fist, you're making me stronger and teaching me well. you're equipping me to help others, still under your kind's spell.
you think that you've won as you bully and lie. some may believe you but i no longer do. you may even believe yourself, but that doesn't make it true.
the truth is you're sad and you're weak and you're scared. the truth is you're desperate and filled with despair. the truth is you need love and freedom and grace. you need courage and healing and to seek His face. i pray you find that all and change the things you do.
As for me, I'm so thankful to be away from you.